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tricster Today, I cleaned some windows. The inside and outside of my backdoor window, the insides of the windows at the back of the house. They are all significantly cleaner. These are not small windows. They stretch from ceiling to floor. It takes serious physical effort and energy to clean them. Energy and willpower that I quite frequently lack, so getting them clean is a victory.
Never mind that before I cleaned it, my brain blew it up to such a huge task. The door barely took 10 minutes, inside and out. Climbing up on the little stepstool, my brain filled with the ways it could break, I could fall. I could hurt myself, kill myself, hurt my dog. Final Destination-esque deaths dancing through my head. Having my brain so thoroughly work against me is part of why I have so much trouble getting anything done.
And my brain, instead of going 'yay! I did a thing that needed doing!' immediately starts demeaning it. After all, it didn't take all that long, why don't I do it more often? And I only cleaned the outside of the door. I didn't clean the outside of the big windows. I didn't even touch the small window over the door. What about the front windows? The upstairs windows also haven't been cleaned in an age. I've barely done anything. And there are probably streaks and it could be cleaner. And, and, and. The complaints, the comparisons, the critiques are neverending.
Where in that did I get more than a breath of 'good job, me'?
Like a small dog worrying at a bone, my brain keeps going. There's always something else I should be doing, or some way I'm failing, as an adult, as a human.
Anyway, I don't have any solutions. But hopefully with this post I can take a moment and pat myself on the back. Good job, the windows look amazing. Don't worry about the other things just yet, just look out those cleaner windows and enjoy the view of the bright blue sky.
Never mind that before I cleaned it, my brain blew it up to such a huge task. The door barely took 10 minutes, inside and out. Climbing up on the little stepstool, my brain filled with the ways it could break, I could fall. I could hurt myself, kill myself, hurt my dog. Final Destination-esque deaths dancing through my head. Having my brain so thoroughly work against me is part of why I have so much trouble getting anything done.
And my brain, instead of going 'yay! I did a thing that needed doing!' immediately starts demeaning it. After all, it didn't take all that long, why don't I do it more often? And I only cleaned the outside of the door. I didn't clean the outside of the big windows. I didn't even touch the small window over the door. What about the front windows? The upstairs windows also haven't been cleaned in an age. I've barely done anything. And there are probably streaks and it could be cleaner. And, and, and. The complaints, the comparisons, the critiques are neverending.
Where in that did I get more than a breath of 'good job, me'?
Like a small dog worrying at a bone, my brain keeps going. There's always something else I should be doing, or some way I'm failing, as an adult, as a human.
Anyway, I don't have any solutions. But hopefully with this post I can take a moment and pat myself on the back. Good job, the windows look amazing. Don't worry about the other things just yet, just look out those cleaner windows and enjoy the view of the bright blue sky.
